Maybe This is Selfish
by kirasometimes
Summary: Darcy wasn't the only one affected in Standing in the Dark... Petercentric, his thoughts... I guess you could call it a drabble and a half...


**Title: **Maybe This Is Selfish

**Author: **Claddagh Ring

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Degrassi… nope, it's true. I know; it's heart-breaking.

**AN: **This is just some random stuff I finally got to writing down after watching "Standing in the Dark". It's just some weird thoughts I had when watching Peter in this episode and this is what I could hear going through his head. I don't know what it is but, I always feel for the boyfriends/girlfriends in rape situations. Don't get me wrong, it hurt me to see this happen to Darcy (I bawled like a baby), but I think people tend to forget that the victim's partners have to deal with it too.

**POV: **Peter Stone (the boy needs some love around here)

**Spoilers: **Standing in the Dark, part one and two.

**Feedback: **Please? I've never written anything for Peter before. Let me know if it's horribly atrocious.

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Maybe this is selfish, I don't know. But it's something I have to say.

My girlfriend was raped. It was her first time having sex, period, and it wasn't even with me.

I know… My girlfriend was raped and all I'm thinking about is how she didn't have sex with me. I'm horrible scum and I should be shot. But this breaks my heart

All I know is I've spent so long trying to be the guy she wants: the thoughtful guy, the one who respects her boundaries, the guy who says dumbass things like "thank gosh". And it's strange because I actually found myself wanting to be those things for her. The guy who made her laugh, made her feel safe, and one day… maybe, just maybe it could happen… I could be the guy she wakes up next to and doesn't regret it. Basically, I just want her.

And then we went skiing. We made out, had a fight, made up, and passed out. Then woke up together… in bed. She was naked; I still had on my boxers and a t-shirt. Logical conclusion, we'd had sex. She'd broken her vow of abstinence and we'd done the deed. Except not. I just… knew. While she was freaking out about it, I was trying to convince myself that I just don't remember any of it and it was that simple. But, I knew I was still a virgin as strongly as she knew she wasn't anymore.

I wanted to just go with it. But damn her, she's made it so I can't lie to her anymore; at least not for long. I had to tell her. We didn't have sex, though God knows I wanted to. And I know I'm a jackass, but it's not like I meant to hurt her, or scare her, or do anything to make her feel less than the beautiful woman she is. And, God damn it, I was terrified… and pissed because I knew, even though I hated it, I knew that someone had hurt her. Someone had abused her and I was too ass drunk to do anything about it. And, I could tell, she didn't really know what to believe. I don't blame her for being angry at me for telling her because, as awful as she felt about having sex in the first place, it killed her to even think that it wasn't even a drunken choice she'd made, but rather one someone else had made for her, someone she didn't know.

When she walked off, I wondered if I'd done the right thing. I could see her shattering.

I got over the whole "I wasn't her first" thing about the same time she slit her wrist and was rushed to the hospital. It wasn't her fault. It wasn't mine. It had just happened and it was horrible, but I wasn't ready to let that be the end of whatever we had. I was going to tell her, but I'm still essentially a coward, and as soon as I saw her family, I just left. I couldn't take it. They'd probably blame me if they saw me. And I'd probably yell at them and forget what Manny said about rape victims healing in their own time and blurt out Darcy's blackest secret in front of the whole hospital.

I did stop by her room, just for second. She was asleep and I didn't feel like spilling my guts to her when she couldn't even hear me. I guess that's when I noticed she wasn't wearing her abstinence ring. That ring meant everything to her and some asshole had stolen it from her, along with her dignity and pride and purpose.

I could kill him.

I settled for going to the jewelry store. She'd waved that ring in front of my face enough times for me to know exactly what it looked like.

I know it doesn't make up for what happened to her. It doesn't make up for what happened to me and my hopes. It doesn't make up for what happened to us, our relationship. But maybe… I don't know; maybe it would show her she's still my Darcy and I still love her and she is still beautiful and everything I want… and it would show him, because I know he's watching. He would know that even though he may have taken a piece of her and she would never get it back, he hasn't taken her from me. Not yet. Not ever.

The asshole.

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**AN2: **So… what do you think? I kind of like it.

I write, you read, you review, I write more… but not for this.


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